Not My Year — Modestly Exposed

Normally, I love reflecting on the year that’s passed but this year I’m actively avoiding it. This year was supposed to be the best one yet because I thought I was going to get engaged to the love of my life, continue to work with one of my best friends and move into a dream home that I could use to show the world what I can do in terms of interior design. What this year actually left me with is the deepest pain I’ve ever felt, a greater loss than I’ve ever known, shattered confidence, and displacement.

That’s not to say there isn’t beauty in the midst of it. The ones that have stuck around have shown up in big ways, I’ve made new friends who are now my roommates, I have the honor of leading a small group for 4th and 5th graders at church, and I’ve gotten to experience Jesus in a new way. There is joy in the midst of my deepest sorrow. The source of the joy I have left is solely from Jesus Christ. The joy of how he is holding me, present with me through the Holy Spirit, offering words of wisdom through those around me and His word, showing me love and support through the community He’s led me to, and providing for my basic needs when I have nothing to offer. I truly have nothing to offer except myself, and all that He’s created me to be.

I don’t want to mislead you, I am miserable. Every day is f-ing hard. There really isn’t a week that I don’t sob alone in my car, bed, or shower. I have Jesus but that doesn’t mean that everything is good and healing is coming along smoothly. It’s not, and that’s with doing the hard work of therapy, leaning into my community. trying to meditate, seeking advice, avoiding alcohol for months, and more. I’m not saying I’m doing everything perfectly, because I’m not, but that’s all part of the process.

I’m learning, well, wrestling with what rejoicing at all times looks like when I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like celebrating. I don’t feel excited about the year ahead of me. I don’t feel like reflecting on what the year has brought me. I feel like laying in bed and sleeping until this nightmare is over. It feels like I am lost in the dark woods, kneeling on the cold ground because I’m out of strength. I feel like “ a crumpled up piece of paper,” as queen Taylor Swift says All Too Well.

Maybe you do too? Maybe you had the worst year yet and all of the well-intentioned, “new year, new you’s,” or the “this is your year’s” don’t actually make you feel any better. If you follow Jesus or have been in church for a while, you’ve probably been given verses or encouragement that also doesn’t feel helpful either. I’m here for you friend. I know that swelling fire of angst when someone tries to show you the bright side, no matter how much you love that person. It just sucks, and that’s okay.

With that being said, today I read something from Lysa Terkeurst’s devotional, “Seeing Beautiful Again,” that made me feel seen while also cutting me deeply.

The devotion looks at James 1:2-4, which says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. “

There have been many times when I have cried out to God, “How do I consider this pure joy?!” I don’t feel any smidge of joy or lightheartedness. But Lysa pointed out something that I have been fighting, or simply not wanting to accept. The word “consider,” not FEEL.

Here, I will let you read the rest:

There is a constant battle between my heart and my mind where I know that God is good, I know that He is faithful, I know that He is able, I know that He works out everything for the good of those that love Him, I know He can be trusted, I know that He loves me, but where I am in life and emotionally FEELS like I’m beaten down, it FEELS like if I want it I won’t get it, it FEELS like the pain is going to win. As an Enneagram 4 who also resonates with a very high 2, I FEEL everything. I view the world through my heart and my feelings, so my instinct is to go with what I feel. So what happens when what I feel can’t be trusted?

I open up my hands in desperation. Literally. I told you before that I truly have nothing to offer except myself, and I mean that. To deem life a gift means that l offer myself to Jesus and in turn accepting that He is offering Himself to me. And that’s enough.

I am thankful for who God is. I am thankful that He restores and rebuilds. I have absolutely no idea what the next year holds. To be quite honest, I’m walking into 2022 shaking and hesitant to make any plans. However, I do have a goal, to seek His kingdom first and to let Him use me however He sees fit.

This is not going to be a walk in the park. But if you’re feeling that overwhelming pain in your chest too, I would love to do this together. Sitting in each other’s darkness is necessary and one of the deepest ways to love one another. So, I’m here for you friend.