7 Lies I Tell Myself

They don’t want you here.

My friends are honestly some of the most beautiful and intimidatingly spectacular people I’ve ever met. They are kind, generous, encouraging, talented, and know how to have more fun than I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve only known them for a little over a year. I still feel new at times to the community, and for the longest time I felt like I didn’t fit in because I didn’t measure up to all that I believe they are. And I believed that they thought that too, which is completely unfair because they never once said or did anything to validate this lie.

You’re too much.

Passionate is the word that my best friend chose to describe me. I feel all of the things and if I’m comfortable with you, I let you in on all of the things. If not, I won’t tell you and just act like I’m okay, because all of my life I have had big emotions that people didn’t know how to react to. If I’m excited then I’m too excited, over the top, “obsessed.” If I’m sad, I sit in the hurt for a while. I put on sad songs and cry in the shower or under the covers. If I love, I love hard and will do anything for you. I get joy out of encouraging you and am constantly on the lookout for thoughtful gifts that will show you that I care, even when you don’t want me to.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t show up.

I told you my community likes to have fun and that fun is centered around just being around each other a lot, usually multiple times a week. Because I believed the previous two lies, I felt like I needed to ration my time with my friends. My thought process was, “ If they saw me on Sunday, they probably don’t want to see me on Monday, so I will wait until Saturday to go to whatever we have going on.” I missed out on quality time with people I love and who love me because I couldn’t stop lying to myself and believed that who I was wasn’t good enough to love.

You shouldn’t have said that.

I’m one of those people who goes over every conversation and worries if I said something wrong or if it came across too aggressive, rude, weird, etc. I contemplate whether or not I over shared and should have just kept things to myself. I do this because I’m terrified that if I make a mistake that will be the end and I will lose or change that friendship. For the longest time I never told my friends when I was uncomfortable or when my anxiety was kicking my ass, because I felt like they would think I was being over dramatic or weird. There are definitely times where I should have a tighter rein on what I say but I shouldn’t regret telling people I care about them, how I feel, or when I need help.

If it hurts, run. Hide.

There’s a scene in The Princess Diaries, where Mia is missing from Genovia’s Independence Day Ball and Joe looks at Charlotte and says, “She’s going to run.” Cut to Mia crying in her broken down Mustang, caught in a storm. That, is the feeling I have when I’m hurt or scared of showing up. Run. Distance yourself and maybe the hurt will stop, or get you far enough away you can avoid it. But recently, despite the pain, I’ve taken my aching heart and shown up to the “Ball” wet hair and all.

She’s insert adjectives than me.

I HATE comparing women against each other and I think competing with one another is bullsh*t. We have enough against us as women, we don’t need to add each other on to that. I love my sisters. I think they are all amazing and have so much to offer. But. Sometimes I see just how amazing they are and I have a twinge of self deprecation. I will never be as beautiful as she is, I won’t be as talented as she is, I can’t hustle as hard as she can, I’m not as kind as she is, etc. I call B.S. and every time I feel this way I want to be productive and not only support the women around me but myself as well.

You can’t do it.

After a couple failed dreams, I feel defeated. It’s as if I have almost gotten the dreamer kicked out of me. Ever since I was young I’ve had ideas bigger than my emotions, but I’ve never had the courage to actually pursue them. I’ve made excuses as to why I’m not as consistent with the creative things I’m passionate about, but the truth is I’m just too scared to fail again.

These lies, are just that lies. I choose not to believe them or give them anymore hold over my life. I’m thankful that Jesus is my truth and believes that I am none of these things. I’m thankful for friends who remind me how He sees me and how much they love me. If you need to hear that you are not the lies you tell yourself over and over again, I will gladly tell you how incredible you are and how much you are loved.