Almost New Year's Resolutions
Today is my "little" brother's twentieth birthday, (Happy Birthday Ethan)! We are exactly four and a half years apart, which means in six months I will be twenty-five. I can't believe he's twenty, let alone that I will be five years from thirty. So, today is one of those times I reflect over my life thus far and think about what I want my life to look like at twenty-five.
This is my own version of a New Year's resolutions list, a month and a half early. I like to give myself extra time to get it done, because life happens and never goes to plan.
1. Make a Career Oriented Move: It's fairly obvious that fashion is my, for lack of better word, passion. My goal is to be a key fashion stylist one day. However, at the moment I live in an area right outside Richmond, Virginia, that's not exactly a fashion capital or anywhere close to being one. This resolution was going to be a reality in 2018, because I was supposed to move to London to attend the London College of Fashion, but due to life, mainly a lack of 36,000 dollars, that will not be happening. I have to restart and make new plans to achieve my career goals. The first one being, moving to a place where my industry is prominent.
2. Grow My Self-Confidence: I've spent the majority of this year doubting myself and my ability to succeed at what I love doing. I want to get to a point where I feel like I have come into my own, and not in a perpetual state of hoping things work out. I would love just a little bit of solidity.
3. Learn How to Date: To be completely honest, dating is hard. I recently went on a date for the first time in years, and it wasn't very pleasant, okay it was bad. I feel awful for saying that, but it was and he knows that too. It's a long story.
Helpful hint to those trying to impress someone, don't attack his or her faith/beliefs.
The date was helpful because it made me put myself out there. It was the first date since I shared my story of being sexually abused and started healing from it, and even though he wasn't the most charming person, I didn't leave bitter, which is significant for me.
All that being said, I still have a very little idea of what I'm doing and how to flirt. I'm literally the worst, just ask James Arthur. If anyone knows how to navigate the whole dating thing, more specifically, finding a man who loves Jesus and people well, help a sister out.
This is not an extensive list and I should probably add something about eating healthier and joining a gym to it, but for right now these are what I am going to work towards. I’m sure by January I will have an official set of resolutions that may or may not get done to share with you. So keep an eye out and subscribe to get e-mails when I post!
Most days, it feels as if no matter how hard I work, no one takes me seriously. Especially when it comes to working hard towards my career in fashion. This isn’t the case but it is how it feels.
The real issue, however, isn’t about whether or not others take me seriously. Nope. The one person who hesitates to believe in me, is me.
In this season of my life, I have been struggling with finding my confidence. Every time I work up the nerve to take a step towards something I want, something happens causing me to shrink back or the opportunity slips from my grasp. I have felt completely shaken, you know the feeling, when it feels like the floor has fallen out from under you. For the past several months it has been a perpetual state of that feeling.
That was until August 27th, 2017.
The day I shot photos for this blog, I wasn’t overwhelmed with self-doubt or insecurities. I felt like a professional. The photographer spoke to me as a fellow professional, and understood my creative thought process. I didn’t have to shrink back, make excuses, or belittle why I wanted the pictures.
Up until that day, it’s been my friends snapping pictures of me occasionally. (I work retail so my schedule rarely lines up with my people’s.) I always feel slightly embarrassed and guilty for asking them to take a picture/video. I shouldn’t, they don’t care and don’t mind, but I have this underlying fear that they think it’s ridiculous or not serious. So I don’t act serious. I love my friends and hate to feel like a burden to them. Again, I am fighting a battle against myself.
This has been a hard season of rebuilding and discovery, I need to rebuild my confidence and belief in what I’m good at. I plan on doing that through discovering what sets my heart on fire, including this blog. I know that I may not change anyone’s mind or make anyone believe in me, but I know that this blog, my YouTube channel, and taking steps to go further in the fashion industry is what I am serious about. So, it's time to take myself seriously. I can do this, because God designed me with the passion and talent to pursue it.